160: Filling the Void

Without work and without being able to do something, it is a real test to find ways to fill the day. One could easily watch TV for hours. We can still go outside to exercise. Or we can always find an excuse to go to the grocery store. Though, we want to limit our time in public.

I am the type of person that feels like I am not doing enough in a day if I am not being productive in some way. It makes me slightly anxious when I think about all the things I could be doing — like exercising, writing more, reading more, practicing an instrument, or learning another language — but I end up playing video games or getting sucked into a show on Netflix. (The Tiger King is ridiculous, btw.)

I may have written this before, but it is during these times of uncertainty where I can let my anxiousness take over and then I put myself down for not doing enough. I have to remind myself that no one else is judging me besides me. Everyone else is busy judging themselves (or their spouses. Har har.). It is okay not to fill every single moment of the day with stimulus.

Stimulus is the real problem with the self-loathing mentality. I think it is natural for humans to crave stimulus. We can blame technology or the convenience of modern living, but I think that we naturally enjoy being busy or at least having our minds occupied. We enjoy that because when we do nothing the mind drifts into fantasies and worries: things that may or may not be real.

I still feel that it is a strange phenomenon that it is 100% natural to be constantly solving problems. It is like we are hardwired to just solve problems. And when there are no problems to solve, our mind likes to create problems. It could be unresolved emotional problems of the past. It could be problems that I predict may happen with a person in my life, so I will have a fantasy conversation about how I am going to resolve an issue that doesn’t exist. It’s crazy!

I plan on using this time to meditate more. Meditation is focus, but allows the mind to drift in thought without clinging to anything. It is training the mind to not get lost in the fantasies that it creates. The goal is not to feel like I need to fill my time with an activity. Filling our minds with distractions, even if they are good distractions like puzzles or reading, still does not help our preternatural need to be busy and solve problems. I plan on using some time to just sit and be okay with that. Now, I just need a front porch, rocking chair, and a straw hat and I’d be all set!