Day 144: Corona

Growing up, I saw all the commercials about this magnificent beer that, for some reason, people only drank at the beach. No one ever drank it at home. No one ever drank it at a bar. And every single bottle had to have a slice of lime shoved into the top of it. No, I’m not talking about the virus; I am talking about the beer, Corona.

For so long, I wanted to try this beer that had all these great commercials. Vin Diesel’s crew in Fast and the Furious only drink Corona. It had to be good. Unfortunately, I was under 21. No, that did not stop me from drinking, but it did ensure that I drank Busch Light 30 packs for the first several years of my drinking life. I was young and cheap. Corona was a rich man’s drink. How else did they get to the beach so often and afford those lawn chairs? On top of the physical and monetary hurdles of acquiring the beer, no one else around me drank Corona. My parents and grandparents didn’t drink it, so I couldn’t steal it from them. My friends drank the cheap stuff right along with me. Eventually, we upgraded to Bud Light and Coors, but we were sure as shit not filling our beer pong cups with Corona.

Nope. It seemed like destiny would prevent me from drinking the golden liquid that satisfied so many beachgoers. Until one, after I was 21, I saw it in a bar. Inspiration struck and I knew it was my time to find out.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked.

“Well, I...I think I’ll have a Corona,” I replied.

“Lime?”

“Yyyyesss.”

I was still unsure about fruit in my beer, so I grabbed the lime that nestled on the rim and set it on the napkin for safekeeping. Before that time, I hadn’t tried much variety in the beer world. This was before craft beer and beards became a personality. I stared at the long neck for a moment, watching the condensation drip and glisten in the afternoon light. I imagined myself on a sandy beach and took a sip.

I set the bottle down.

Shit.

I immediately regretted not ordering a Miller Lite.

I did not like it. I popped the lime in the top and let it sizzle around for a minute before taking another drink. The second sip was better, but not by much. I sat and drank the rest of the beer slowly, wondering what all the hype was about. Why the hell did Vin Diesel like this beer so much? Why would anyone like this beer so much that you required your house guests to drink it? Who would require a drink of their house guests besides a person that is trying to poison their friends?

And there it was. Vin Diesel knew that Paul Walker was a cop the whole time. That why he gave him skunky, crap beer.

If you like Corona, good for you. I’m sure I would enjoy one right now if I had it. I really like Modelo. If you are going to go for a Mexican beer, that’s the one I would suggest. Even Dos Equis sucks. What I basically learned is that the better the advertising the worse the product.

Corona: sucks.

Dos Equis: sucks.

Dominoes: sucks.

Zune: sucks.

Twilight: sucks.

Geico: I don’t have their insurance, but it probably sucks.

Okay, the advertising correlation is not causation, but Corona is still not a good beer.

So, to the present:

The NBA has suspended the rest of their season.

We cannot travel to Europe.

We are not receiving the regular supply of cheap goods from China.

Universities are shutting down.

Schools are closing.

FIRST Robotics competitions are postponed.

And people are dying.

I personally don’t know how to feel about the potential of this flu-like virus that is mostly killing the elderly with weak immune systems, so I’m told. Whether or not it is a serious threat to my personal well being is not relevant if it is a serious threat to others around me. I would hate to contract the virus without knowing and without symptoms and pass it on to someone that it could seriously harm. Obviously, the virus and the ads have done their job. The world is watching and we are listening.

Of course, this is satirical, but the whole thing is a serious issue. The end is not near for Corona, the beer, or the Coronavirus. They both suck, but that is no reason to stop drinking a brand of beer because it sounds like a virus. That would be like not naming your daughter Katrina because of a hurricane. But I’m sure that happened too. If you enjoy Corona with or without a lime, I encourage you to twist a top off of one now and show your support. They need you now more than ever.

Coronavirus: sucks.

Now, all I want to do is get away from every human being and go to a beach and drink a Budweiser.

---

Author's Note #1: Underage drinking is dangerous, is a crime, and should not be conducted or encouraged by anyone.

Author's Note #2: Sorry if your trip to Europe was canceled.

Author's Note #3: I would say we should stick together through all of this, but that's probably not a good idea at this point.