Day 15: The Things I Think: Defense Mechanisms

Preface: These are thoughts based on observations (of myself and others) and many years of reading books and articles on the subject. I am not a doctor in psychology; I am only a hobbyist of the human condition.

Why is it that we are able to recall with great vividity the scars of bad memories and struggle to remember the good times? More to the point, why do everyday occurrences sometimes “trigger” bad memories or emotions, seemingly, more often than good ones? And why do we lash out at people that have nothing to do with those lingering emotions?

Preternatural Instinct

One explanation is that we are born with the natural instincts to learn from our past mistakes so that we make better decisions in the future. In a hunter and gatherer world, that instinct is crucial to survival. It is probably why ours is honed to the point of fault. No longer is that instinct used primarily as a tool in life and death situations. It has morphed into something else. It is used to shield us from negative emotions or energy. In some situations that could mean protecting ourselves from predators: people that harm us physically or emotionally. But what the defense mechanism seems to be used for more often is navigating normal life and normal relationships and finding ways to live how we want without causing harm to others.

Adaptation

I believe that our empathy has grown and evolved tremendously over the past few hundred to thousands of years. On a global scale, the evidence is in how people that have enough are attempting to help people that don’t have enough: food, water, adequate shelter, protection from predators. And there is evidence in the little things: listening to family and friends, helping others in small ways (opening doors; putting your cart in the slots at the grocery store parking lot), and attempting to be kind to those that aren’t kind to you.

That evolution of empathy for others has also caused our defenses to shift in strength and malleability. Some defenses are weaker and some defenses are overpowered. We are still in a stage of adaptation in that sense. And I think it is an area of learning that we should shift our focus to as parents and educators: the emotional healthy ways to react to uncomfortable situations.

Because emotional defense mechanisms are not fully handled in many adults, they then can not properly show their children how to react. We then see cycles of poor decision making and unhealthy lifestyles develop generationally. Though, in some cases we see children not mimicking their parents but learning from their mistakes.

Reinforcing

I believe that negative events, whether real or perceived by an individual, create layers on our defenses. We don’t like to feel bad, and everyone’s definition of “bad” is different. Let’s think about our strongest defenses, our inner defenses, as walls around a castle and the castle is our emotional core. When someone purposely or accidentally fires an arrow that hits that wall, our defenses send out the troops automatically to fire back. That is our Ego working on autopilot. And unless we are mindful of what is about to happen, our own words and actions can produce more negative energy that is sent out towards an unprepared victim. This, in turn, may cause us to build even stronger walls (harsher punishments towards others for touching the wall) or another layer of walls farther out from our castle (our core) so that we don’t even have to be in situations that could potentially hurt our wall.

Results

We then see kids and adults avoiding social situations, certain people, and not allowing themselves to feel certain things because of those emotional reactions. They are afraid of hurting others or themselves, physically or emotionally. I think most people are not aware of these reactions, these idiosyncrasies, that we present to the world because most of it is controlled by our autopilot captain, Ego.

Healing is Becoming Aware

I think if there is something about ourselves that bothers us that the first step to healing or growing is becoming aware of these automatic things we do every day. We can think about our actions, however minute. Those are the ones that are probably the most revealing. We can think about our thinking. When emotions arise, good and bad, we can take one second to stop ourselves to think about why we are feeling a certain way. That one second may be enough time to stop our autopilot from reacting in a way that would only spread negativity. It takes a whole lot of practice and we will never catch every little thing.

I like to remind myself when I get angry at someone that I cannot control how other people act but I can control how I react.

Healing is Also Letting Go

The second part of healing is taking down the bricks and catapults and fiery motes that we build. I think it takes a lot of energy to maintain our defenses. It could take so much energy that we do not have enough to feel normal or happy. I am not sure how our individual energy works; I think that we all are some sort of malleable battery that stores energy and releases it at certain times. And that energy, whether positive or negative, is determined by our emotions and how we perceive our world. But that negative energy that we store from our childhood and past relationships and current relationships cannot be replaced with positive energy unless we release it somehow. The how is so important to the evolution of our species. Negative energy is released and recycled all the time, but if we can find ways to dissipate that energy so it doesn’t return we would be better off for ourselves and for the world.

A Conclusion

If we want to help others, first we must help and heal ourselves. I think how we educate the next generations should focus much more on our emotional and physical health rather than the acquisition of knowledge. Without the time spent memorizing information for the next test or class, we free up time that can be spent learning how to work in groups and think about the benefits of the whole and not just the individual. We can let children find their own path and trust they will make the right decisions for themselves because we have prepared them to react to any situation they may encounter. That way they don’t have to build up such strong defenses; they can navigate through the world properly without the need to attack back. With the whole group (world) in mind, the refining of empathy, and the building of working with and for the team I think this world will become a better place rapidly.

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Author’s Note #1: Battling our instincts by attempting to deny or subdue them is an energy-draining and futile exercise; allowing our emotions to arise however they do, acknowledging them without physical or verbal action, and letting them dissipate takes up less energy. It may also retrain and rewire our instincts.

Autor’s Note#2: I acknowledge that all can be well and good with good thoughts and good intentions, but actions take practice. Mistakes will happen. Nothing will ever be perfect. And not everyone wants to change.

Author’s Note #3: What else should we do if not try?