Day 2: What to Do When You Encounter a Bull Moose in the Alaskan Wilderness During Mating Season

Step 1: Poop your pants.

Step 2: Make extreme eye contact with the moose that is only ten feet away, slightly in the woods, and well within the kill zone.

Step 3: Utter the phrase, "Hoooooly mother fucking Jesus shit."

Step 4: Remember that story your friend told you about a moose that charged him and forced him to jump inside a truck bed and then your friend had to wait in the freezing middle of the night for an hour until the moose walked away.

Step 5: Remember you didn't bring a gun.

Step 6: Remember the training that you never received for this situation and feel your muscles freeze.

Step 7: Begin staring contest with the moose.

Step 8: Tell yourself to not be afraid while really being afraid.

Step 9: Reach in your pocket for your knife.

Step 10: Pull out the knife and slowly open the knife while losing the staring contest.

Step 11: Wonder how the hell he is so still.

Step 12: Wonder if he is thinking about charging at you even though he is so still.

Step 13: Wonder if he is only a decoy and there is another moose behind you ready to impale you with its antlers.

Step 14: Turn around sharply and see nothing.

Step 15: Turn back around.

Step 16: Notice again how the moose has not moved.

Step 17: Admire his poise.

Step 18: See his thick coat of brown fur and black stern eyes.

Step 19: Notice the giant antlers tilted slightly towards you.

Step 20: Wonder if you should have just kept on walking and not have stopped for the staring contest.

Step 21: Know that it is too late now.

Step 22: Begin moving your legs in a backwards motion while resuming the staring contest.

Step 23: Notice how the moose is very slowly turning his head, keeping a pin point laser focus on your tiny body.

Step 24 - 64: Back the fuck up.

Step 65: Grab the rusted metal bowl and other rusted metal rod from the pile of old trash that you noticed earlier.

Step 66: Begin banging the metal bowl and rod together.

Step 67: Wonder how big of a jackass the moose thinks you are.

Step 68: Walk closer while keeping the knife and bowl in one hand and the rod in the other for future banging plans. (That's what she said?)

Step 69: See the moose turn away.

Step 70: Walk closer.

Step 71: See the moose turn back.

Step 72: Hop behind a group of trees and resume the banging of metal bowl and rod.

Step 73: Watch as the moose crosses the trail and continues on his journey, most likely in annoyance of the human.

Step 74: Pull out your phone to get a picture of the moose so you have evidence of your story.

Step 75: See the moose walking toward you in the woods.

Step 76: Almost drop phone. Put it back in your pocket because no picture is worth a moose hoof to the face.

Step 77: Remain still and watch the moose very carefully as he walks away into the woods.

Step 78: Scurry up the trail the way you do when you really need to go to the bathroom.

Step 79: Never take your eyes off the moose until you get back to town and are able to change your pants.

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Author's Note #1: Moose are beautiful animals that always deserves the proper space and respect.

Author's Note #2: Moose are also delicious.

Author's Note #3: Always bring a metal bowl and rod with you when hiking in the Alaskan wilderness, just in case.