Day 24: What’s Wrong with 24?! with my Guest Jack Bauer

Welcome everyone to another episode of What’s Wrong with 24?! It’s a show that dives deep into the issues and triumphs of the Fox TV show 24. Today, my special guest is Jack Bauer! (Applause please) I know, I know, he is always the guest, but Keifer is off the wagon again and Designated Survivor is not approved for a 4th season. So here we are…

Welcome back, Jack!

It’s good to be back.

Thanks again for saving the world like ten times.

I was just doing my duty.

So modest.

(Grumbles and takes a swig out of his paper bag)

Anyway, the fans have written in and they are eager to have their questions answered.

Shoot.

Ha ha! That’s funny because you shot so many people. Two-hundred and sixty-eight confirmed kills to be exact.

It's probably around five hundred total.

In a normal world, you would be considered a serial killer.

(Takes a swig) Should we make it five o' one?

(Nervous laughs) First question! In a twenty-four hour period, how was it possible to never go to the bathroom? Not to mention, getting a little hungry.

When your searching for your missing wife, daughter, girlfriend, chemical weapons, and nuclear weapons, you don’t have time to piss. Or eat a damn sandwich.

But you must have had the urge to pee.

Never. When that clock starts ticking there’s no stopping old Jack. Not until twenty-four hours later. That’s the name of the show.

We know.

Who the hell is we? What do you know?

Nothing. I know nothing.

We’ll see. Hurry up with the questions.

Right. Question 2: Was not saving your wife your greatest regret?

(Thinks deeply) No. My greatest regret is never punching Chloe in the face.

Ha! That’s a good one.

That’s not a joke.

But she got less annoying as the show progressed.

You didn’t see her during commercial breaks. I almost shot her like twenty times.

Speaking of commercial breaks. Was it ever weird that nothing seemed to happen periodically for five minute intervals?

Never thought about that. That makes sense. What the hell happened? What do you know? (Grabs my collar) WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!

Jesus, nobody!

WHERE THE HELL IS MY FAMILY?!

Uhh...uuh...Your daughter is banging one of the guys on The Ranch and your wife has been bouncing around from one TV series drama to the next for the past twenty years. Please don’t hurt me.

No. No, I’m not going to hurt you. (Takes a swig. Brown liquid trickles down his unshaven chin) What would be the point? There’s nothing left anymore. The world has turned to shit and there’s nothing left to save. (Takes another gulp.)

Aaa, cheer up. Come on. You had a good run. I’m sure someone is already writing another TV series about a grizzled old man who’s retired but needs to come back because the new Mars colony needs to be saved from space terrorists.

You mean that?

Sure.

Thanks. That means a lot. (Finishes the bottle) I gotta get the hell outta here. It's half-off day at B-Dubs and happy hour started two minutes ago.

Alrighty, I guess that’s all the time we have today. But before we go, I have one last question.

Okay.

Did you ever get to hook up with Elisha Cuthbert?

Once. It was weird. She kept calling me Dad. I guess she’s a method actress.

(Nodding) I see. Well, good luck on your next adventure, Mr. Bauer.

Yeah, whatever. Where’s the commode around here? I gotta pee.

Finally!

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Author’s Note #1: Sadly, I’ve only watched five out of the nine seasons (plus a movie) of 24. Maybe now I’ll watch the rest. I have the time! Du-da-chhh.