Day 347: Recycled Thoughts

Henry David Thoreau once built a cabin the woods by a pond and lived there for two years. He was well out of range of cell phone service. He enjoyed saunters in the woods and wrote a book or two. In the book, Walden, about his time in at the cabin, he wrote, “A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” I believe he was correct. And as optimistic as that sounds, I also believe that our thoughts are a double-edged sword.

I say this as a reflection of my past week. It wasn’t particularly stressful, but I found my mind working in strong currents I couldn’t seem to quell. It was like that movie Twister, but with fewer cows and a hell of a lot less romance. The stress stemmed from work and loneliness. Actual events did not have to occur; my imagination was enough to raise my heart rate and feel like I was on the edge of a panic attack. Even though I knew that my mind was a bit out of control and illogical, I couldn’t control it. I let emotions take over and hoped that the storm would pass sooner rather than later.

In the midst of depression spells, it never feels like it will get better but it always does. For most people, I think. Sometimes we come out of it naturally. Sometimes all we need is to be around other people. And lots of times we need to ride the waves head-on so that we become stronger on the other side. More storms will always come, but by observing our thoughts and finding the pitfalls we can be more prepared for when the shit hits the fan again.

Although Thoreau did wander into town and have dinner with friends on occasion, he spent the vast majority of those two years by himself in the woods. That’s all he needed. He was happy there. For most of my adult life, I have tried to prove to myself that I could do that — that I could live alone and be completely fine. Happy even. I really haven’t ever lived alone or been far away from people. And we are talking feet, not miles. I grew up in my room, playing with my “guys”, creating stories in my head and learning to entertain myself. I can be by myself, but I never actually wanted to. I complained a lot about not having a brother and always invited friends over. As much I enjoy time by myself, I’m always seeking ways to be closer to other people.

It will take me some time to get used to this new adventure. All great things are hard at the beginning, but with hard work and positive thinking, all things become easier. I’ll be happy to have guests. But also be happy to have the place to myself. There will be more storms to quell and I’ll have to remember what kind of path I want to create in my mind.

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