Day 88: What the Hell is Wrong with the Principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?

The kid on the school bus that wrote “Rooney eats it” was right. That man, Ed Rooney, got everything he deserved and not enough. If you take the time to stop laughing at all his mishaps you will realize that the man is psychotic and needs to be in jail. Let’s break down the movie in a list, shall we?

- He enters the film by calling Ferris’s mother to inform her that Ferris has missed nine days of school in the semester. This is the only professional and reasonable thing that he does the entire film. Fortunately for the audience, Ferris is also a master hacker and changes the number of days absent right in front of Rooney’s eyes, which sets him off on his tirade throughout the movie.

- In the conversation with Ferris’s mother, he threatens to hold Ferris back for another year during his senior year! And he takes just bliss in the idea of being able to do that. This is the first red flag that this man shouldn’t even be in education.

- Oh, and Rooney is married somehow. I bet his wife beats him like the teacher from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, and that is why he is so hell-bent on crushing the lives of students

- “Nine times.” “Nine times?” “Nine times.”

- Why can't school an administrator go back and change absent data on their own computer?

- “Grace!” Oh, Rooney loves to scram at his secretary who is constantly making phone calls for him because apparently he cannot dial numbers.

- Rooney’s logic is that Ferris “gives good kids bad ideas.” I don’t think that would hold up in court there, Ed. Luckily, Grace corrects Rooney by saying that Ferris “makes him look like an ass.”

- To Sloan's "dad", in response of hearing of the Grandmother's death, his response is, “Boy, what a blow.”

- Thinking that he is pranking Ferris on the phone, he calls the student a “dip shit” and tells him to kiss his “big ol’ white butt.”

- He very awkwardly tries to console Sloan on the steps of the school.

- He basically shrugs off incest and sexual abuse when he thinks he sees Sloan and her father kissing by saying, “So, that’s how it is in their family.” He should have called the freaking police!

- Then when he realizes that Ferris has outwitted him, once again, by successfully skipping school and getting Sloan out he makes a vow to catch Ferris in the act: “Fifteen years from now when he looks back at the ruin his life’s become he is going to remember Edward Rooney.” What the freaking hell? What principal, what educator, what person hopes that a kid ruins his life? And not only ruin his life but have the principal play a vital hand in ruining it. This man is psycho.

- Then Rooney goes on the hunt! He goes to the pizza place in what looks like a downtown of a suburb of Chicago. How many pizza places do you think are in Chicago?

- In the pizza joint, thinking that he’s caught Ferris, he states, “Your ass is mine.” Again, he is cursing at a student while oddly increasing his obsession with Ferris. At this point it is obvious that this man will stop at nothing to preserve what is left of his fragile ego. Then the woman with the short hair spits Pepsi on him.

- Then Rooney has a brief conversation about the baseball game on TV with the pizza clerk, whom Rooney ignores: “What’s the score?” “Nothing to nothing” “Who’s winning?” “The Bears.” Lmao!

- After that, Rooney actually goes to the Bueller house to confront Ferris. He is not fooled by the doorbell recording. Kudos to him. But if someone has taken the time to create a recording of themselves at the front door they are probably not in the house. But Rooney decides that breaking and entering would be the best option.

- Oh, and he parked in front of a fire hydrant on an empty street.

- Luckily, at this point, the running water, mud, and dog get the best of Rooney. Karma is trying to send a message, but Rooney won’t listen. He is persistent.

- When potted flowers get delivered to the Bueller residence, Rooney decides to smash it over the dog’s head, potentially killing the animal. Luckily, he doesn’t, but shit. This guy is really messed up!

- He eventually does break into the house, but then is kicked in the face. Karma is at it again.

- After leaving the premise of his B & E that got stepped up to a Home Invasion charge, he waits outside like a crazy stalker for Ferris to return home. The dog didn’t teach him the lesson; the kick in the face did not teach him a lesson. For a principal, he was a very slow learner.

- Ultimately, he is humiliated by joining a bus full of teenagers. One of whom offers him a warm gummy bear from her pocket. And instead of saying no, he chucks the gummy somewhere ahead of him, no doubt hitting another student because the bus was full.

- And finally, he sees the words written on the ceiling: “Rooney eats it.” Damn straight.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still laugh through the entire movie. Especially the parts with Rooney. But I couldn’t help but notice this last time around what a crazy man Roony really was. He is a straight-up stalking, B & E criminal that makes it his sole goal of one afternoon to destroy the future of one of his students. Edward Rooney should not be a principal! He should be in jail. He should be on some sort of list and have to go door to door in his neighborhood to tell everyone that he is not allowed to be within one hundred yards of children. Rooney is hilarious, but he freaking nuts.

Thank God for Grace keeping him in line.

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Author's Note #1: Grace is probably my favorite character in the whole movie. She embodies the frustration, happiness, and humor of working at a school. "Mmm, mmm, mmm, what a little asshole," she says in the sweetest of voices.

Author's Note #2: My favorite scene is when Rooney is chasing his car as it gets towed and he screams, "You shithead!" while screeching and dragging is torn and bloodied leg down the road.

Author's Note #3: Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a masterpiece of comedy and charm.